This Is Not Sparta

Putting fetishes aside for a moment, human feet are pretty disgusting.

I won’t really go into details about why, since you should be able to discern this for yourself, but let’s just say that hair, lint, dead skin, and the grime of the world are involved. And yet many of you seem to think you should be able to air your toes to the universe so that we can feast our eyes upon them. Please, please stop.

Have you ever been on the train and seen those fashionable young ladies in their slinky, low-cut dresses and their stiletto sandals with their perfectly manicured toenails? Take a look at their actual feet—black with the grime of urban decay. Do they spend so much time on their makeup hoping no one will notice their goblin feet?

It’s even less acceptable for men. Bulbous, calloused, hairy hobbit feet fetchingly adorned in those horrendous leather cage contraptions or, worse, flip-flops, which are not and never shall qualify as shoes. There are only three places you are allowed to wear flip-flops—a community shower, the pool, and the beach. That’s it.

Sandals do have their place. But unless you live in the desert or are rushing into battle as part of a phalanx, you should not be wearing them. I’m sorry that it’s hot outside, but your right to feel the breeze rushing through your toe hair does not supersede my right not to be nauseated on my way to work.

So the next time I see you on the street, if your toes are showing, you’d better be on your way to battle some Persians.